some days

Some days, all it takes is your name. Your name that fills my heart with longing all over again. The longing that never really left me - only suppressed. And then I realize that all my efforts to forget about you are totally fruitless. It seems as if you never left me. It also seems as if you abandoned me just yesterday. I begin to smell you on me. I begin to hear your voice in my room - or whichever room I am in; it doesn't really matter anymore.

Some days, I make myself believe that you still love me and it still makes me feel like the luckiest Guy alive. Then I start building so many walls around me. Vow to myself that I shall never think of you again - that you have no place in my heart but all it takes is your name to bring me back to the starting point - to make me start working hard towards building those walls. It is not fair.

Some days, I wake up in the morning and all I want to do is hear a knock on my door with your smiling face telling me that you have crossed all the oceans and come to me for the rest of time.

Some days, I believe that love doesnt really have a past tense. Its either you never truly loved or you never really stopped.

Some days, I am convinced that I am going to turn around a corner of a busy street or perhaps a park and bump into you. You will tell me that you came here for me - that there was no better place to be.

And somedays, all it takes is your name - uttered by a complete stranger in the late night hours - to make me realize that I am back to where I was years ago. I complete the circle one more time.

Cycle of replacement mein muhabbat ki replacement nahi hoti... I don't forget.

Imperfection

All I can think about is the hows, whys and whats of things. How did I let myself go that far? When did it happen? Why does it feel so right? After pulling myself together for six years, tonight, I am an emotional wreck. There are some things in life you want so badly that there is no other alternative. No scratch that. There is always an alternative. Sometimes even a better one, but it would never make you feel the same way. It could make you feel better, it wouldn't make you feel the same. I am selfish. I want to feel the "same", the way I have always felt. The way she made me feel. Does it make any sense?

Alternatives are sometimes a more practical and economical option. I say economical because trust me Love costs you A LOT, more than anything could ever cost you. But alternatives are like eating a frozen yogurt instead of ice-cream. It is healthier but it will never satisfy your craving; it will never make you feel the SAME. Do you see where I am going with this?

Sometimes you meet someone and you know it is not going to be a perfect relation. Granted you share some similar attributes or some qualities you like in them which kick start the relationship but you know that there are people out there who would be more compatible with you. For some odd reason you still want to give it a try for the hell of it. Yeah, I gave it a try for the hell of it, and now I can't think about being with a perfectly compatible person that may or may not exist. Because that imperfect person is the One for me. I like the imperfection in us. I like the yelling and the screaming and the fact that I can be way too emotional and she can be way to logical at times. I like that she is very specific about her outlook where as I could care less about mine. I want her to yell at me for leaving the towel at the wrong place. I want to yell at her for not going to bed at a proper time.

I cannot believe I am admitting all of this. I, who always wanted everything perfect.
But I do. I have learned that happiness is not in perfection. It is in the screaming and the yelling. It is not in the perfect romantic evening but in an ordinary weekday night when you order stay alone because you are too lazy to do anything and have it straight out of the box because both of you are so in that sitcom you have your eyes glued to.


Happiness is not about having what you want but wanting what you have.
I have her. And I want her. Each and everyday.

Responsibility to Revenge

Within the darkest shadows of my mind I hide the lovely child I once was.How time twists the soul, ensnares the senses, betrays the heart and perverts the mind.Those who are grown in hatred and violence will fear and hate their creators. We are "fu**** worthless," or so they tell us.

The youth of this generation are abandoned,growing to not understand love, only humiliation and distrust from our superiors. It's sad when one stops and looks at all the anguish and depression a child can hold at such a young age.

Responsibility. We are entrusted with the responsibility of the adults and are taken from what we enjoy.

Regret. The word that is always on their minds, but it isn't enough anymore, no more lies to cover our sanity. One's aggression and discomfort should not be the reason to tear another down. And so we turn to soldiers ready to fight and fall.

Blood. We do not fear to shed our own but the innocent never leave.

Resentment. We hate and resent anyone who has done us wrong, for it was not our choice to exist.

Revenge. To become better than them, and leave our superiors to wither and rot, in the shadows of our conscience.

The Story

Relationships are built through storytelling. Whether you agree with me or not, storytelling is the baseline of all relationships. It is through stories that we form bonds and link emotions. It is through stories that we understand ourselves and the world around us. We are defined by our stories.

We meet so many people every day. We talk to them; sometimes we have endless conversations. We see them at work, we see them at school. We go shopping with them, we joke around, have opinions about them but do we really know them. Do we know their story?

I want you to imagine your loved one. Imagine that “Someone Special" in your life. Not the many someone specials that you might have in your life but the ONE someone special you have or had. How did it all start out? Amidst the shy smiles and flirty comments, and the holding hands and the kissing goodbyes, when was it that you actually connected with that person?

We do fun stuff with them. Hang around… have laughs, talk endlessly, admire their beauty, get impressed by their intellect, and start to adore them. Then one night, in a quiet place.we tell them about who we really are. We tell them about our hopes, dreams and desires. We share with them our future plans. We hold their hands tightly while we tell them about our fears. We tell them our stories.

…and if we are lucky… VERY lucky, one quiet afternoon, they tell us about their hopes, dreams and desires. Where they have come from and where they are planning to head. They tell us about their scars, about their pains, about their smiles. We listen.

And with that exchange of stories our lives are enriched and in that very moment an everlasting bond is formed between us. A bond so strong that no form of separation or pain could ever break it.

Ideally, all goes well from there onwards, you share the sentiment and vow to keep on sharing your stories and creating more as you go along. You get married, you meet the in-laws and then you kind of realize that you didn’t quite get the whole story after all, but that is beside the point. :-)

I wonder sometimes, if I have ever shared my story. I wonder if I have the courage to do so. It takes A LOT of courage to truly tell someone about our hopes, fears and desires. I wonder if we really know our story. I wonder who has been a part of our story. I wonder if you have ever shared your story with someone.
To my understanding, storytelling is the only way you will ever be able to create a bond with anyone. Our stories have power—great power—on our own being and on others.

Are you ready to tell your story?

Two things

Now that I sit down and look back at myself, I realize that despite all the people I have met and all the education I received and all the good, bad and ugly experiences I have been through, there have only been two things that make sense to me. Everything else is relative. I find these to be the most fulfilling – the reasons for my total happiness: To love another with all my heart, and to make a difference.

I am the Guy who has dissected love for many months now. I am lucky enough to have seen it and felt it. I’d tell you now; there is nothing more satisfying in life than to love another. When love makes sense the whole world falls into place—every single thing. You build a connection. You show each other the darkest parts of yourselves without fearing that the other would run screaming for the hills. The best feeling you will ever experience is being completely vulnerable in front of someone without any fear.

The other is making a difference. No, I am not talking about opening up an orphanage, or giving millions of rupees in charity. Those are great; I am not undermining what great heroes in the past have done for us but I am not in the position and neither are most of us ordinary people. At the same time, I have never really wanted to go out and save the world either. To me, there is more comfort in touching someone when they are down, to hold someone’s hand when they are alone, to walk with them for a mile just because I can. To smile at someone with no strings attached. And to listen - we don’t listen. We hear but we don’t listen. We need to listen.

I like to touch. Human touch is very comforting—a friendly hug, a pat on the back, a mischievous nudge, a kiss. You’d be surprised at how people would react if you would just reach out and touch them.

You know, when I look at myself, I realize that I am only one, but still I am one. I see that I cannot do everything, but I can do something; and because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do something that I can do. So, I will touch. I will listen. I will kiss. And I will love.

Tough Choices

“Its not the chance we take, but the choice we make that determine our destiny. Choose Carefully.”

It’s starting all over again.

I am afraid that it is starting all over again.
You know, the stupid silly Hi's... the good nights and the good mornings...
The un-ending, time-flying conversations...
The caring and sharing...
I am afraid it is starting all over again.

Usually, life gives us choices. I firmly believe that one almost always have a choice. Sometimes it is a limited choice, still we have a choice. Mostly, we make these choices consciously, sometimes unconsciously but we do make them—almost every day. Whatever comes our way, whatever battle we have raging inside us, we have a choice. It's the choices that make us who we are, and we can always choose to do what's right.

I am trying to make a choice—make it consciously. I wonder how to resist. I wonder if I should resist. Should we resist when life presents us an opportunity which could turn out either good or bad? I have never been afraid of risks. But at the same time I am not very comfortable with putting others at risk with me.

But, what do you do? What do you do when someone so adorable wants to hold your finger and walk a mile with you? What do you do when they trust you to lead the way? What do you do when they look up to you? Respect you for who you are?

There are cute people in your life that would stick with you for the rest of time if you let them. You take it a step further and they will love you for they think you are awesome. But the question is: Do you want to do that? Would you not feel selfish?

Do you want to show them the dark hole of your personality? Are you ready to expose the scars you have been carefully hiding for ages and ages now? Is it time yet? Is it time to trust?

My scars, the scars I carry are still fresh. Healing process is a slow one I suppose. I am afraid that the wounds will open. When is it time to trust someone with our scars? When the scars are totally healed or when they are healing?

I am afraid I will be happy again. I am afraid to feel the pain. Please don’t touch my scars, I say.

I am afraid I am falling for the sweet surrender.
I am afraid it is starting all over again.

The world

Now there are two ways to look at it: The world as it is and the world as we would like it to be. Our problem is that we don’t look two ways. We either see the world as it is and are hopeless about it, or we see the world as we would like it to be and pursue unrealistic dreams.

But at the end of the day we all want the world as we would like it to be, right?
In order to make this world the way it should be, we need to be content with the world as it is. We need to learn to accept that things happen for a reason and instead of focusing on why it happened and what happened we need to focus on how it shouldn’t happen again, or how we could get out of the situation we are in.

Some people get angry at my opinions—Very angry. They claim I don’t know what I am talking about. Or I am too young to understand the world properly. People constantly try to correct me. Mostly not because they care, but because they don’t agree… because it bothers them to realize the truth—because they do not want to see the world as it is.

I’d tell you… it is hard to see the world as it is. I wish I could erase so many things from my life. So many people, so many decisions I have made. I wish I could undo all the times that I have been sick, and all the times I have cried hysterically. I wish the world was a happier place.

But tell you what; I can’t attain the happiness unless I am content with what I have—with how the world is. I cannot “wish” until I “accept”.

I know all this sounds really good in theory. It’s easier said than done. But at the end of the day, it is the only way to go. The sooner we understand it, the happier we will be.

Remember: It could always get worse
:-)

Reality

Sometimes we have very unrealistic expectations from people. But the interesting part is that they all seem very legitimate… until our heart is broken.

I have met a lot of different types of people in my life and among those there have been some who are just too cute to ignore. They have this strange innocence in them that attract you and you think they are like angels. You want to take care of them. Somehow you can’t help but smile at their innocent mistakes. You want to be a part of their sunny side. Unfortunately, the truth is that no one is like angels. If humans were like angels, then this world would be a very happy place and no one would have a broken heart.

Last night I cried because of a person I thought would never make me cry. Very idealistic, huh? I don't know why I would think that. Now when I sit down and think about it rationally I realize how unrealistic that is. I mean why could or would she not make me cry? Or why would I think that such circumstances could never arise?
We are but, two humans who can make poor choices and say the wrong words at the wrong time.

It happens sooner or later in any human relation. As I wipe my tears today and move on, I take a valuable lesson with me. Three words: KEEP IT REAL.
Yes, it is as simple as that. Keep everything very REAL. We don't realize it but emotions make everything so very cloudy. I’d make an effort to keep on blowing the fog away.

From my fair share of happiness and sorrows in my twenty living years, I learned that there is no NEVER and FOREVER in life. If there was a 'never' we would not be doing half the things we do today. If there were a 'forever', we would never die.

I would cry no more. My tears are too precious to be wasted on something.... so not REAL.

Struggle.

And sometimes you just want to give up because you are not making anything any better. Sometimes you just have to accept that you are not good enough… or do you?

I don’t get it. I can’t accept it. I want to fight. I need to fight.

I can’t live with myself knowing that I am not good enough. I know I am better than that, and no one should be able to tell me otherwise.

But then again, we give up. We give up on people, we give up on goals, and we give up on dreams.
Sometimes, we don’t have a choice, I know. Sometimes you don’t have time. Believe me I know.
But sometimes, I am afraid to give up. Wouldn’t it be so unfortunate if you figure out that you were so close to the finish line when you gave up?

I’d like to imagine that I am close to the finish line. I would be the worst person if I give up now.

No? Yes?

Regardless of the end result, don’t you think it is better to keep on fighting than giving up and sitting down all alone? Isn’t it better to at least have something to do for the rest of your life, even if it is just fighting with life, rather than having nothing to do and nothing to look forward to for as long as you live?

How truly miserable that life would be .

Paradox

He tells me I am heartless. He begs. He wants me to be with him.

His interactions with me range from accusing me of everything that is wrong with his life to how much he cannot even live a day without me. He tells me that he needs me and wants me to no end, that I should give him a chance to make me happy.

There are days when he tries to impress me. He tells me how wonderfully perfect I am and how much I make his life better. And then there are days when he cannot stop criticizing the same “wonderfully perfect” person. I listen to him. Perhaps, I shouldn’t but I have learned to be patient… and also be indifferent.

I know that he wants me but I know he does not love me. There is a difference between loving a person and loving the idea of a person. I know that at the end of it all, I am replaceable. I am a wonderful idea, but that is all I am. I know I will not amount to anything more.

Right now I am the best and the worst person—best for being ‘wonderfully perfect’ and worst for not reciprocating his emotions. But I know that he will *love* me until he finds someone else.

Can you blame me?

Making Mistakes

Making Mistakes

Here's the thing about mistakes. Sometimes, even when you know something's a mistake,
you gotta make it anyway.

Sometimes you have to touch that hot plate even though you know it will burn your hand.
Sometimes you have to get a hair color or a hair cut we know will look awful, but you
get it. Sometimes you have to taste the disgusting food to make it better the next time
you cook. Sometimes you have to forget your purse in a restaurant so you can learn to
be less forgetful the next time. Sometimes you have fall for the wrong person in order
to find the right person for yourself.

Sometimes you have to make the mistake in order to avoid making it the next time around.A mistake is simply another way of doing things.Someone gave a very good analogy: What do you first do when you learn to swim? You make mistakes, don’t you? And what happens? You make other mistakes, and when you have made all the mistakes you possibly can without drowning - and some of them many times over - what do you find? That you can swim? Well - life is just the same as learning to swim!
Do not be afraid of making mistakes, for there is no other way of learning how to live!
You know, there are certain things in life where you know it's a mistake but you don't
really know it's a mistake because the only way to know that it really is a mistake is
to make that mistake and go, "Yup, that was a mistake".So really, the bigger mistake
would be to not make the mistake because then you'll go about your whole life not
knowing whether it was a mistake or not. Got it?

Reason to live; Reason to die.

We are not some beings born accidently, live meaninglessly and die purposelessly. Though at times, it might appear so the ultimate truth is not the result of some random calculation. The beginning and end are extremes in which we have practically no say, but, as for living life, it is very much in our hands. There is a meaning making mechanism functioning as a matter of strange coincidence with every form of thinking beings absorbing the feeblest notion of futility from our lives. If we wonder and question the meaninglessness and futility of our existence – where and what were you 200 years ago and where and what will be 200 years down the line? – we might perhaps realize we are basically no different from other living beings. We maybe rational, thinking, progressive, spiritual beings, but at the end of the journey what awaits us? Anyhow, all that we know is that we cling on to our dear life at the slightest sight of danger we face. We don’t know what awaits us, but we don’t want to depart from this world.

Why are we so attached to this world that we find it difficult to part with? We know from our daily life that life is not all rosy; we hardly have a day on which we don’t mummer or complain. In spite of all the hardships and perils, at the thought of death knocking at our door we shudder and make desperate attempts to escape. Is death so crudely, cruelly detesting and disgusting? If life is so precious to offer at the jaws of death, what is the reason to behind it? What is the reason behind our craving to cling on to this life? Is it love; love for people and things? In that case, how have we not changed at all in our pursuit to love our life when we have lost people and things we loved? If it is love alone, we should be less attached and afraid to be ‘reunited’ with our loved ones gone ahead of us when the final call beckons us. if life is not without meaning and purpose, so will death be and vice versa. There is a reason to live; a reason to die.

Incredible past

Incredible past
Incredible. Amazingly incredible is the past. The life we lived – or meant to live—has minutely followed an intelligently prearranged pattern. Major or minor, every action of ours or every incident occurred in our lives is harmoniously, purposely set for a reason and timed in perfection. Life can be lived well, believe in a new beginning, hope for progress, plan for change, derive joy and satisfaction, aspire a better tomorrow looking back at our past. Future in itself doesn’t hold anything. It is devoid of hope – in fact, it is utter hopelessness believing in a future that never exists – happiness and newness. Tomorrow is an illusion, a void, nothingness, non-existence.
What assurance do you have to be comfortable and hopeful that tomorrow will be a better day or even there will be a tomorrow at all? Even hope itself means nothingness in the future, vague and therefore the other side of hope is frightening. Tomorrow never happens, never exists without a today, and today doesn’t dawn without a yesterday – a meaningful, concrete, factual yesterday. From a hopeful, imaginary future, tomorrow, you will never live in the tangible, definite today. A glance over the chronologically arranged happenings in your life from the moment of your conception or even before would shed light to prove this fact and place everything in perspective. Past is life, present is living and future is …hope, mere hope.

Life in our hands

If you had the boon to undo one thing that you did, what would you like to cull out from your past and alter? That would be an impeccable power to live life to the full and feel fulfilled. Many a time, we all wish if we had a magic button or life-changing wand in our hands. A swipe over a missed opportunity, lost chance, a wrongly made decision or blunder, a tragedy or misfortune and you have the last laugh. Don’t you think that’s just amazing? Living an error-free, folly-free, disaster-free life would be heaven on earth. Imagine living a life that’s free of all such hazels! The question however is would you be happy with such a life? If you answered in the affirmative, do you think you strive towards living such a life? If your answer is a creepy ‘no’, well, you perhaps have got a few things going right for you.

By our very nature, the impulse to act as we wish propels us to do things that we might regret later. Be it silly, life threatening or life changing – in fact all our big and small ‘mistakes’ are life changing – you and I tend to showcase either our stupidity or self-importance culminating in some grave mistake. However, make it a point to spare a few moments – or even more – to analyze the mistakes you have committed and the knotty situations you have created. How you look at them ten years down the line? Are you happy that you had tears in your eyes and butterflies in your tummy or do you think it all screwed up your life forever?

Love..!

Once upon a time, there was an island where all the feelings lived: Happiness, Sadness, Knowledge, and all of the others, including Love.

One day it was announced to the feelings that the island would sink, so all constructed boats and left.

Except for Love. Love was the only one who stayed. Love wanted to hold out until the last possible moment. When the island had almost sunk, Love decided to ask for help.

Richness was passing by Love in a grand boat. Love said,”Richness, can you take me with you?” Richness answered, “No, I can’t. There is a lot of gold and silver in my boat. There is no place here for you.”

Love decided to ask Vanity who was also passing by in a beautiful vessel. “Vanity, please help me!”"I can’t help you, Love. You are all wet and might damage my boat,” Vanity answered.

Sadness was close by so Love asked, “Sadness, let me go with you.”"Oh . . . Love, I am so sad that I need to be by myself!”

Happiness passed by Love, too, but she was so happy that she did not even hear when Love called her.

Suddenly, there was a voice, “Come, Love, I will take you.” It was an elder. So blessed and overjoyed, Love even forgot to ask the elder where they were going.

When they arrived at dry land, the elder went her own way. Realising how much was owed the elder, Love asked Knowledge, another elder, “Who Helped me?”"It was Time,” Knowledge answered.

“Time?” asked Love.
“But why did Time help me?” Knowledge smiled with deep wisdom and answered, “Because only Time is capable of understanding how valuable Love is.”

Hmmmmmmmm

“Hmmmmmmmm” isn’t that life all about? At the end of the day, after having done hundred one thing we realize, we have fallen short. Something more is desired to be done is what evaporates the humor out of life. Despite putting in everything possible to brighten up our life, a glitch in some form surfaces. Unfortunate incidents in various form trickle down on us from time to time.

The line between accomplishment and expectation is very narrow. Not many will have the last laugh after the level expectation has skyrocketed to a dream world. The journey back to the level ground is not trouble-free. However, it is always a different and reviving experience to look back at those incidents and happenings that rocked our life and made us look utterly desperate and hopeless. What are those moments, incidents today? Hmmm the way life plays its game is mystifying.

Come out....

It is a tragedy that most of us get glued to the positions we hold or feel at ease with our own comfortable zones and do nothing more. Stagnant water stinks! Exploring new heights is painstaking, but is surely rewarding. What needs to be taken care of is that we are on the right move and in the right direction. Most of the time we do a lot of things and are rewarded with nothing. And the result? We sulk and succumb to discouragement and disappointment. However, before being hasty to draw a conclusion, we must be prudent enough think twice. Blessings often appear in disguised attire!

Your prison is always your choice. To break free, you have to give up, eliminate all security zones you have built around you. Others can confine our actions but never our thoughts. Free the shackles of your thoughts and let them sore high. We never see difference until we commit ourselves to doing something different. Coming out of the comfortable fort will be a fish-out-of-the-water experience. But, learning new things is no cake walk either. be different and do things differently if you need to see change happening around.
Life is like that.

Good ONE....!

I feel in my heart and in my soul each thing that you say to me. It is something amazing because I think that you always know when I am sad, when I am very happy or when I think of you more than I usually do. Your words show me how much you understand me you love me and how much we are connected to each other even with the distance between us, I realize each time more that we were born to each other.

When I met you for the first time, there was a day that I thought I would forget you forever, but I was wrong because I have still got your face painted on my heart, on my soul, and in my memory. The first time I kissed you, much time has passed, but I still have your kiss burning on my lips and your cologne in all my senses.

Maybe I dream too much but when I think of you I long to feel your touch, to whisper in your ears words that only you would hear if only you were mine. There is love so deep inside of me, my love, and in every part of me there is a part of you. You are everywhere I am and be sure that I will be standing by your side praying that you will always have a beautiful life.

Like a star, you are already the star of my life, my sky, and my ocean. I will always need you because I cannot live without air, without water and without my soul, and you are all this for me. I love you and forever I love you. My body is still wanting to feel you and your hug and I will pray that this day won't come so late, but if it comes late, even this way I will be here for you and only for you. All my kisses to you my love, and dream of me... from a boy lost in love for you.

Love always,


This goes to person only who deserves.